day 18: cut is worse than stop

i am totally in control of my drinking.

a phrase that i used over and over and over. i don’t know anyone who drinks, except some chronic alcoholics that will admit that they lost control of it.

these days i’ve been paying a lot of attention to my drinking behavior. as you can notice from yesterday’s essay.

anybody that knows me will tell you that i don’t have any problem. we all drink in excess sometimes, nothing wrong with it.

but let us examine this thing closer, using a personal anecdote. shall we?

end of the year 2019 i made the same vows i did year after year. cut back on alcohol, stop smoking and start working out.

then i had this radical idea: if i am going to stop smoking, why not instead of cutting on alcohol try to stop it as well?

needless to say that i was scared as fuck. how will i have a good time with my friends? alcohol was involved in every fun activity i did.

the pandemic kicked in i couldn’t go out anyway so a lot of that solved by itself.

but a lot of people were doing zoom meetings just to drink with friends. weird but understandable.

one thing i noticed when i lost the desire to continue drinking it was much easier. it was like alcohol didn’t exist in my world. i didn’t need to worried about being in control of the poison, because i didn’t want to consume it.

all changed in 2021. i decided to drink again, this time i was in control, and everybody noticed how much less i was drinking. what they didn’t notice?

being in control is an illusion. my drinking was more like a sacrifice. a constant battle in my mind:

“be careful Nuno, you already had enough”

“don’t get drunk, Nuno, remember you need to show that you are in control”

what a boring and miserable life it has been. we all know that scarcity makes you value things more. it is the same with alcohol.

because you feel that you need to control it, actually it will control you. don’t cut back, stop once and for all. you will be happier.

I drink coffee all day long hoping to be awake when the hard work pays off.